Blaming Behavior

"You made me do it." This is a cute statement if you are singing lyrics about falling in love. But, if you are abusing someone, it is nothing short of a false, irresponsible statement. An irrational argument might result: "It's not my fault. If you were not so sensitive and selfish, I would not have pushed you out the back door and down the stairs." "Look what you made me do!" is a more youthful, immature version of that original statement. When children use this latter version, they miss any underlying circumstances that may cause an unfortunate behavior. Take this scenario: a child is painting a still life as the dog scurries past the child's sibling who is knocked off balance and into the child's chair results in the paintbrush smudging the artwork. "Look what you made me do!" cries the child to the sibling. Now envision your organization's lounge or lunchroom with adults moving around quickly with mustard on sandwiches, hot coffee, and handheld electronic devices.... Use your imagination. In the workplace, if you hear either of these messages coming from your supervisors or managers, be ready to consult your Human Resources department and your leadership coach, pull your resume and references together, and network for another position at another location. The lack of self-responsibility, and therefore, accountability strongly suggests a weak and negative working environment. Get out while you can! If you hear yourself say either of these statements, seek therapy immediately. If your subordinates state these messages, give them immediate feedback and, perhaps, help them find work elsewhere. People who have grown up blaming others for their misfortune or mistakes will find it difficult to change their mindset and behavior. The act of blaming others undermines teamwork and productivity. It is toxic behavior that disintegrates morale. Eliminate blaming from your organization to ensure healthy working relationships and attitudes.

"Let's Talk"

"We need to talk. I will talk at you and you will listen. I am right, you are wrong or misinformed, and I will set you straight." Usually, "let's talk" means someone has not been heard and/or affirmed. When someone says "let's talk" to you, I suggest you listen without interruption while that person vents. Then ask a clarifying question or two and paraphrase your overall understanding of the issue(s). Simply receive the information and opinion without try to dismiss or refute it. Once the other party has verified your understanding as correct, state that you will get back to that party at a later time after you have thought about the comments, observations, and criticisms. On your own, consider what was said, accept what is valid for you (any reasonable perspective that can inform your own perspective), reject what is invalid (such as "always" and "never"). In a timely manner, perhaps the next day, approach the other party and say, "Let's talk."

Everything Happens...

"Everything happens for a reason." We commonly hear this after a disaster or a disappointment or a tragedy. It is a true statement: severe weather, faulty expectations, and unforeseeable circumstances can wreak havoc with our desired reality. Yet, often I understand people of faith using the statement to imply a divine master plan that resulted in someone's untimely death or loss. They suggest the words will bring us comfort in knowing that we do not know everything as the/an omnipotent, omnipresent, and omniscient power does. (I find no comfort in that!) Our free will means nothing in the presence of that interpretation. In a recent example in Newtown, PA, as children, ages 6 and 7, and their educators were slaughtered by a sick, young man's free will, their deaths happened for the reason of bullets penetrating their organs and brains. In the same moments, the free wills and prepared actions of teachers saved lives. In another recent example on the eastern shores of New York and New Jersey, people lost their homes, businesses, pets, and lives to Hurricane Sandy. These people did not deserve those losses and the storm was not a punishment for bad behavior. When such things happen, we must acknowledge the nonsensical and honor the courageous. Everything does happen for a reason--let's make sure the everythings we are making happen have healthy reasons, filled with good intent and loving expectations.

Nicknames

I have had a bunch of nicknames over the rolling years of my lifetime. The list begins with "Teentsy," a word my older brother created to describe me after I came home from the hospital a couple of days after I was born. In college, friends called me "Tiny," except when they called me "Clod" for being clumsy or stumbling. I could not do anything about the diminuative terms, so I worked hard at achieving some level of coordination in my young twenties. That is when I took up backpacking into the wilderness, running mesa paths, downhill skiing, snowmobiling mountain vistas, and motorcycling "thank-you ma'ams" along old logging roads. I triumphantly trampled "Clod." Next came, "Iron Pants," the name male colleagues gave me as they referred to me in the faculty lounge. The moniker had nothing to do with my teaching, but rather my determination to stand up to their sexist remarks and other harassing nonsense. Then came "Honey," "Mommy," "Mom," "my favorite aunt," "Love," "Step-mom," "Professor," "Business Owner," "President," and "Gramma Karen." My nicknames provide a timeline, a list of accomplishments and a chronicle of roles. Well, at least they do until a family member calls me "Teentsy."

"Can You Help Me?"

Such a simple question: "Can you help me?" Most of us mean we would appreciate some assistance at gathering information or collaborating performance. A single parent may need a favor in transporting a child to practice or a birthday party. Sometimes, a person means he or she would like financial assistance. A few dollars or coins can make a huge difference to an unemployed, homeless person working the streets for a meal. None of these scenarios bother me. But, there is a scenario that tests my patience: when a woman takes advantage of a decent, hardworking young man who lends her money to pay the rent for herself and her children. That woman makes no effort to pay him back and later insists the loan was a gift. Her definition of "help" means "pay it all as a gift with no return." I call that interpretation of "help" as "using" a gullible man. (Yes, men can also use this or a similar tactic, yet it seems to be a rare occurence when this happens.) Regrettably, some women look to men to buy them out of financial woes. Those women will manipulate any willing man and the system to obtain benefits. Once these women have what they want, they walk away from their debts. What do the children learn from their observations: do not trust women, men are fools, the system provides free money and food? Beware of "help" and make sure you know how the person using it defines the word. Or, you may be used!

"I'll Support You"

Last Thursday, at a local Rotary meeting, my friend, Rich Delaney, presented a brief program with his coauthor, Christine Becicka. I had emailed him previously to let him know I would "be there to support" him. He told me that no man has ever told him that. Only his female friends mention supporting him in his professional endeavors. Upon greeting him that morning, I assured him he had my emotional commitment, not a financial investment. He was disappointed I did not bring a check made out to him for one thousand dollars! He was sure his male friends would have expected such from a "supporter." Rich is a funny man! His topic that morning was gender differences in communication among CEOs. I bought a copy of their book, You Can't Kill All the Men: Recipes for Business Leaders , 2011.

Love--Tough or Unconditional?

Love belongs to the list of most persuasive words in American English, according to Yale University. I hear "tough love" in parenting circles and "unconditional love" in spiritual circles. My experience is "tough love" excuses abdicating one's influence with a loved one who is making "bad choices." It seems that tough lovers believe staying around and avoiding an ultimatum results in enabling a person by sheltering that person from accountability, self-responsibility, and natural consequences. Although "unconditional love" says the regard for another is unbounded,it can still place conditions on behaviors. The latter is love that is tough enough to endure poor decisions, substance addictions, and negative predictions. I asked my dad why he did not advocate for tough love with my sister when she acted out as a teen. He said, "If I kick her out of the house, I will not be present to influence her future decisions. I want her to make better choices, not feel unloved." As as teacher and mediator, I have encountered countless teens and young adults who have struggled with the loss and grief of a missing family. They flounder in self-pity, blaming, and alienation in reaction to tough love. In contrast, unconditional love helps loved ones survive through hope, presence, and an unwillingness to give up on each other. Although personal change does not come easily, we all have the right to grow into a higher personhood than where we are today. Loving and liking unconditionally allows us each to follow the continuum at our own pace with caring encouragement (not enabling) at our side.

The Value of the Metaphor

Business, scientific, and technical writers tend to dismiss metaphorical language as creative writing and fluff. That dismissal is unfortunate, and hypocritical! Think of the world without the Internet when when used "worm" and "bug" in reference to critters, when we used "virus" and "viral" in reference to medical conditions.

Dr. Marlene Carosselli studied language use in The Language of Leadership (1990, pp. 78-79). She discovered that leaders in industry, corporations, politics, religion--all formulate comparisons between what people already know and what the leader wants them to understand. Common associations through similes, metaphors, and analogies create the comfort required for people to accept new possibilities, risks, and visions. To anchor a new (or what is new to the receiver) concept to an old (or what is familiar to the receiver) image is a technique that is underused in our fast-paced technological society. Things are changing and evolving with each day. It is easy to fear all the change.

More writers could benefit from the mindset of the leaders she studied. It is especially useful for scientists and engineers to know how to explain concepts from their industries in comfortable, familiar language for the business decision-makers, stakeholders, and consumers.

I listened to a National Geographic documentary last week on television. Deep sea explorations require divers to understand the "bends." For a layperson, this is the condition of gases building up in the blood during a too-rapid acsent, like a shaken liter of soda that swells, boils, and erupts when its cap is removed too quickly. The image of the carbonation exploding out of the bottle is similar to what happens to a diver's blood when the diver moves too fast from a high-pressured depth to the surface of the water. The blood and the body need a slow adjustment of pressure and that requires a slow ascention.

In the introduction to Neurobiology, Gordon M. Shepherd, M.D., Ph.D.,of Yale University writes, "One of the ways in which principles are useful is that they force us to define the elementary units, the basic building blocks, of a field of knowledge" (p. 4). He continues to say that neurobiology gives us the "tools" to "weld [those principles] into a coherent framework" (p. 8, 3rd ed.) to help us understand what it means to be human.

Biology is not the only field that can use metaphors effectively. In sociology, economics, and civics, Martin Luther King, Jr., was able to associate civil rights with a bank account. In his famous "I Have a Dream" speech on August 28,1963, at the Lincoln Memorial in Washington, DC, MLK said: "...In a sense we've come to our nation's capitol to cash a check.When the architects of our republic wrote the magnificent words of the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence, they were signing a promissory note to which every American was to fall heir.... Instead of honoring this sacred obligation, America has given the Negro people a bad check, a check which has come back marked 'insufficient funds.' But we refuse to believe that the bank of justice is bankrupt. We refuse to believe that there are insufficient funds in the great vaults of opportunity of this nation...."

Metaphors help us understand faster and remember longer. Try them in your leadership communications. As fast as technology changes (and society in response to it), we need the comfort of familiar associations for the unknown to become less fearsome and for us to become less fearful of what we do not know, understand, or imagine. We will be more likely to hire, buy, and consume when our fear is eliminated and our comfort is reinforced.

Top 12 Grammar Errors

Grammar can be defined as "syntax and morphology" in a language. That simply means "how the language users put words together to create meaning." My college students challenged me to give them a list of the top grammar errors to avoid in composition classes and research reports. The list below serves that challenge. It is a list that can serve business writers well in their emails to avoid miscommunication, misinformation, and misunderstanding.

#1-3 Verbs: tense shift, irregular verbs' past participle forms, and subject-verb agreement (number)

#4-6 Pronouns: point-of-view shift, wrong case, and vague reference

#7-9 Sentence Structure: fragment, run-on or comma splice (punctuation problems), and confusing modifiers

#10-12 Usage Errors: diction (right meaning, wrong form), homonyms, and formality

William Strunk and E.B. White's Elements of Style is a superb resource for good writing. The book is condensed with sound rationale and examples for easy reading and simple instructions. In addition to the grammar errors to avoid above, consider using flow factors (transitions, appropriate voice, and parallelism) to improve your own writing and to assist your reader's comprehension.

Need To

This week I read a card positioned on the receptionist's desk at one of the "100 Best Places to Work." The card showed the smiling face of a caucasian male who had a freshly shaven face and a slightly graying head of hair. The man wore a blue Oxford button-down collared shirt, accessorized with a burgundy patterned tie in a Winsor knot. (The visual made me wonder about diversity in this corporation. I remember a friend with a minority ethnic background telling me that omissions are as powerful as testimonials. I wondered if the omission of people of color and people with gender and generation diversity was merely ignorance in the marketing and HR departments, and/or if homogeneity was the norm at this establishment.)

The card said: "MOVING YOU FORWARD." The card continued: "Thank you for expressing an interest in employment opportunities at ____." In this economy and marketplace, it is warming to think an employer cares about the potential job applicant.

The card's next text gave a directive: "To formally consider you for a position, we need you to apply using our online recruitment system." Where I got bogged down was "we need you to." Why not say "please," a pleasantry instead of the wordiness and "bossiness" of the chosen words? So, the visual on the card and the directive are consistent, and together they overpower the warmth of the heading and the first line. Too bad. That lack of consistency in tone suggests a lack of cohesion, often experienced as a lack of sincerity. If the applicant does not "fit in," the person has no value to this corporation. Those who "fit in" will certainly be of like minds (skins and bodies?) and ratings on surveys of their employer: one of 100 "best." After electronically submitting "your resume, cover letter and transcript," the card said, "We appreciate your interest in pursuing a career at ____."

I have found the expression "need to" is camoflage for "do it or suffer the consequences." On the surface, it appears to be a power-play. I witnessed the impact of those words on inmates in a state men's prison years ago when I was a criminology student. The guards said to any prisoner they selected, "You need to stand with your feet apart,...." Years later, I taught Distance Parenting Skills to incarcerated mothers in another state's institution. The guards used the same language with visitors and inmates, "You need to...." I have also heard teachers in an inner-city school tell students what those children "need to" do. Teachers would then talk to the parents the same way! Once, I helped an employee of my son's company by providing transportation round-trip from his work-release program. He told me, "You need to take me to Wal-Mart." I explained the tone of his words and he did not fully appreciate my position. I said, "When you give me the courtesy of asking politely to do you a favor, I am glad to take you there before taking you back for the nightly check-in. Otherwise, I am not obligated to give you a ride anywhere."

Still another event caused me to experience the underside of those words that made me pause and reflect. As a single parent in total frustration to the Nth degree one time, I told my own children, "I need you to mind me right now!" Ah-ha! "need to" is not only a power-play in words, it is a plea for compliance! Behind the words "need to" is insecurity and desperation. Guards may be scared of inmates and adults may be scared of children! If the receiver of "need to" does not "do it," the sender of the words may have to "suffer the consequences."
Hm, perhaps some employers are scared of their employees. Just a thought....
Words can be revealing or misleading--so begin the conversation to make the real connections.

Forgiveness

"Forgive and forget."
"Let go and move on."
"Get over it."
Short, simple directives--all of which miss the point.

When a person faces betrayal, disappointment, or disillusionment in a close relationship, the reality is neither short nor simple. The process of becoming a functioning, trusting, loving person again is long and complicated. The myriad attempts to conquer the labrinth of pain can exhaust the most determined individual. Others who suggest platitudes and insist on graditude lists simply do not understand the secret to forgiveness. Yes, anger keeps us connected and grief keeps us hurting. Yes, forgiving another person for what that person did or may have done can release us from the paralysis of the wound. Yet, let's not move there too quickly! That is the second layer of forgiveness, not the first. The inflicted person must forgive the inflicted person! One must forgive one's self for being trusting, gullible, or idealistic enough to have been fooled by the other person's intent or duped by one's own idea of perfection or righteousness. Once a person comes to terms with the doomed relationship, the wounded person can begin healing. To heal, the person must breathe and move through the days and years to reclaim one's own life and to resurrect one's own self. Scabs and scars are part of that process. It may take as long to heal as the relationship took to form. That is reality. Our faith in truth and trust will endure and assure the success of the process.