Forgiveness

"Forgive and forget."
"Let go and move on."
"Get over it."
Short, simple directives--all of which miss the point.

When a person faces betrayal, disappointment, or disillusionment in a close relationship, the reality is neither short nor simple. The process of becoming a functioning, trusting, loving person again is long and complicated. The myriad attempts to conquer the labrinth of pain can exhaust the most determined individual. Others who suggest platitudes and insist on graditude lists simply do not understand the secret to forgiveness. Yes, anger keeps us connected and grief keeps us hurting. Yes, forgiving another person for what that person did or may have done can release us from the paralysis of the wound. Yet, let's not move there too quickly! That is the second layer of forgiveness, not the first. The inflicted person must forgive the inflicted person! One must forgive one's self for being trusting, gullible, or idealistic enough to have been fooled by the other person's intent or duped by one's own idea of perfection or righteousness. Once a person comes to terms with the doomed relationship, the wounded person can begin healing. To heal, the person must breathe and move through the days and years to reclaim one's own life and to resurrect one's own self. Scabs and scars are part of that process. It may take as long to heal as the relationship took to form. That is reality. Our faith in truth and trust will endure and assure the success of the process.