Love and Honor

June 8, an anniversary to commemorate. I refused to say "Love, Honor, and Obey" in my vows and said "Love and Honor" instead. My parents dropped "Till Death Do Us Part" from their vows. I have continued to send Momma an anniversary card every September 26 since Daddy's passing, as she still feels married to him. Words can be worth living and dying for: "Of the People, For the People and By the People." When I was growing up, I heard my mom say, "A promise is a dead-on pay." She was angry any time she said those words, so I never asked her what she meant. Usually, one of my siblings had informed her of an injustice in which one of us had not kept a promise. I figured I had to die keeping any promise I made. During an early marriage, I did face the choice of inevitably dying at the hands of a man who said he loved me and who acted as if he hated me. After we parted ways, I read a Shakespearian quote: "A promise is a debt unpaid." I called my mom who swore she had said that all along. Whether it had been a matter of her enunciation or my auditory discrimination remains unresolved. Nonetheless, I stayed in an unhealthy marriage too long because of a faulty belief that I must die keeping my vow. Later, a friend pointed out my June 8 husband had broken his vow to "Love and Honor" me before I finally realized I would have to break mine to stay alive. Be careful with words. Choose the ones you will live by with care. Your children are watching.

Love--Tough or Unconditional?

Love belongs to the list of most persuasive words in American English, according to Yale University. I hear "tough love" in parenting circles and "unconditional love" in spiritual circles. My experience is "tough love" excuses abdicating one's influence with a loved one who is making "bad choices." It seems that tough lovers believe staying around and avoiding an ultimatum results in enabling a person by sheltering that person from accountability, self-responsibility, and natural consequences. Although "unconditional love" says the regard for another is unbounded,it can still place conditions on behaviors. The latter is love that is tough enough to endure poor decisions, substance addictions, and negative predictions. I asked my dad why he did not advocate for tough love with my sister when she acted out as a teen. He said, "If I kick her out of the house, I will not be present to influence her future decisions. I want her to make better choices, not feel unloved." As as teacher and mediator, I have encountered countless teens and young adults who have struggled with the loss and grief of a missing family. They flounder in self-pity, blaming, and alienation in reaction to tough love. In contrast, unconditional love helps loved ones survive through hope, presence, and an unwillingness to give up on each other. Although personal change does not come easily, we all have the right to grow into a higher personhood than where we are today. Loving and liking unconditionally allows us each to follow the continuum at our own pace with caring encouragement (not enabling) at our side.

Tips for Bosses

In 1996 a former student of mine, Mr. Babu Cherin wrote this list of "10 Ways to be an Effective Boss":
1. Get to know your people.
2. Provide timely training.
3. Set measurable performance standards.
4. Be open-minded.
5. Provide information about business goals.
6. Give credit for good work.
7. Delegate authority.
8. Be accessible to consult.
9. Spend a buck.
10. Pay for performance.
He captured great advice that I refer to frequently. Coming across this list reminded me of four others to share with you.

A retired colleague of mine, Mr. Ted Findlay of Orlando, Florida, cites these "10 Job Responsibilities" for every employee, regardless of job description:
1. Be on time.
2. Be there.
3. Act like a professional.
4. Be productive.
5. Produce quality work.
6. Meet deadlines.
7. Communicate well.
8. Learn more.
9. Control expense.
10. Be safety-minded.
Even the president of the company is evaluated by employees on these responsibilities! Keep them in front of you as a daily reminder of factors that influence others’ perceptions of your work.

I confess I do not remember where this list of "7 Job Stressors" originated. Nonetheless, bosses must be aware of these situations and symptoms to be effective in leading, managing, and supervising others.
1. Unclear directions
2. Conflicting demands or values
3. Too much or too little time
4. Techno-stress
5. Hopeless problems
6. Negative feedback or unresolved conflict
7. Contagious stress carriers (people whose stress, worry, negativity, and anxiety are “contagious”)
We might list a timely addition: 8. Possible cut-backs and lay-offs.

William M. Easum, consultant and author, provided the following list "7 Keys for Quantum Organizations" to describe amazing companies:
1. Trust
2. Common mission
3. Freedom
4. Decision autonomy
5. Decentralization
6. Network
7. Collaboration
This list is as pertinent todayas it was when it was composed.

Frederick Hertzberg, famous psychologist, offers a list of "8 Motivators":
1. Feedback about results
2. Direct access to customer
3. Learning a skill
4. Unique, specialized job
5. Freedom to schedule
6. Resources as needed
7. Communication authority
8. Personal accountability

What an organizational assessment the five lists above create. If bosses consider how employees can have responsible choices and take reasonable control, employees would be better motivated to perform their jobs well.

A final list, Abraham Maslow's "Hierarchy of Human Needs," is worth a mention before closing. The top need is to become the most we can become. The second and third needs suggest the significance of regarding ourselves in a healthy way and in being a part of a supportive group. Toward the bottom of the list are the needs that we require to stay alive and function. Those employees who struggle to maintain rent and mortgages and to provide food for their families usually have little energy left to be enthusiastic and innovative on the job. What can bosses do in the workplace to offer support for struggling employees? Clearly, any encouragement and empowerment that bosses can provide can have a positive affect for the health of the employees and the organization.
1. Self-actualization
2. Esteem
3. Belongingness
4. Safety
5. Survival

Lots to think and talk about in our uncertain economic times.