Blaming Behavior

"You made me do it." This is a cute statement if you are singing lyrics about falling in love. But, if you are abusing someone, it is nothing short of a false, irresponsible statement. An irrational argument might result: "It's not my fault. If you were not so sensitive and selfish, I would not have pushed you out the back door and down the stairs." "Look what you made me do!" is a more youthful, immature version of that original statement. When children use this latter version, they miss any underlying circumstances that may cause an unfortunate behavior. Take this scenario: a child is painting a still life as the dog scurries past the child's sibling who is knocked off balance and into the child's chair results in the paintbrush smudging the artwork. "Look what you made me do!" cries the child to the sibling. Now envision your organization's lounge or lunchroom with adults moving around quickly with mustard on sandwiches, hot coffee, and handheld electronic devices.... Use your imagination. In the workplace, if you hear either of these messages coming from your supervisors or managers, be ready to consult your Human Resources department and your leadership coach, pull your resume and references together, and network for another position at another location. The lack of self-responsibility, and therefore, accountability strongly suggests a weak and negative working environment. Get out while you can! If you hear yourself say either of these statements, seek therapy immediately. If your subordinates state these messages, give them immediate feedback and, perhaps, help them find work elsewhere. People who have grown up blaming others for their misfortune or mistakes will find it difficult to change their mindset and behavior. The act of blaming others undermines teamwork and productivity. It is toxic behavior that disintegrates morale. Eliminate blaming from your organization to ensure healthy working relationships and attitudes.

"Let's Talk"

"We need to talk. I will talk at you and you will listen. I am right, you are wrong or misinformed, and I will set you straight." Usually, "let's talk" means someone has not been heard and/or affirmed. When someone says "let's talk" to you, I suggest you listen without interruption while that person vents. Then ask a clarifying question or two and paraphrase your overall understanding of the issue(s). Simply receive the information and opinion without try to dismiss or refute it. Once the other party has verified your understanding as correct, state that you will get back to that party at a later time after you have thought about the comments, observations, and criticisms. On your own, consider what was said, accept what is valid for you (any reasonable perspective that can inform your own perspective), reject what is invalid (such as "always" and "never"). In a timely manner, perhaps the next day, approach the other party and say, "Let's talk."

Everything Happens...

"Everything happens for a reason." We commonly hear this after a disaster or a disappointment or a tragedy. It is a true statement: severe weather, faulty expectations, and unforeseeable circumstances can wreak havoc with our desired reality. Yet, often I understand people of faith using the statement to imply a divine master plan that resulted in someone's untimely death or loss. They suggest the words will bring us comfort in knowing that we do not know everything as the/an omnipotent, omnipresent, and omniscient power does. (I find no comfort in that!) Our free will means nothing in the presence of that interpretation. In a recent example in Newtown, PA, as children, ages 6 and 7, and their educators were slaughtered by a sick, young man's free will, their deaths happened for the reason of bullets penetrating their organs and brains. In the same moments, the free wills and prepared actions of teachers saved lives. In another recent example on the eastern shores of New York and New Jersey, people lost their homes, businesses, pets, and lives to Hurricane Sandy. These people did not deserve those losses and the storm was not a punishment for bad behavior. When such things happen, we must acknowledge the nonsensical and honor the courageous. Everything does happen for a reason--let's make sure the everythings we are making happen have healthy reasons, filled with good intent and loving expectations.

Nicknames

I have had a bunch of nicknames over the rolling years of my lifetime. The list begins with "Teentsy," a word my older brother created to describe me after I came home from the hospital a couple of days after I was born. In college, friends called me "Tiny," except when they called me "Clod" for being clumsy or stumbling. I could not do anything about the diminuative terms, so I worked hard at achieving some level of coordination in my young twenties. That is when I took up backpacking into the wilderness, running mesa paths, downhill skiing, snowmobiling mountain vistas, and motorcycling "thank-you ma'ams" along old logging roads. I triumphantly trampled "Clod." Next came, "Iron Pants," the name male colleagues gave me as they referred to me in the faculty lounge. The moniker had nothing to do with my teaching, but rather my determination to stand up to their sexist remarks and other harassing nonsense. Then came "Honey," "Mommy," "Mom," "my favorite aunt," "Love," "Step-mom," "Professor," "Business Owner," "President," and "Gramma Karen." My nicknames provide a timeline, a list of accomplishments and a chronicle of roles. Well, at least they do until a family member calls me "Teentsy."

"Can You Help Me?"

Such a simple question: "Can you help me?" Most of us mean we would appreciate some assistance at gathering information or collaborating performance. A single parent may need a favor in transporting a child to practice or a birthday party. Sometimes, a person means he or she would like financial assistance. A few dollars or coins can make a huge difference to an unemployed, homeless person working the streets for a meal. None of these scenarios bother me. But, there is a scenario that tests my patience: when a woman takes advantage of a decent, hardworking young man who lends her money to pay the rent for herself and her children. That woman makes no effort to pay him back and later insists the loan was a gift. Her definition of "help" means "pay it all as a gift with no return." I call that interpretation of "help" as "using" a gullible man. (Yes, men can also use this or a similar tactic, yet it seems to be a rare occurence when this happens.) Regrettably, some women look to men to buy them out of financial woes. Those women will manipulate any willing man and the system to obtain benefits. Once these women have what they want, they walk away from their debts. What do the children learn from their observations: do not trust women, men are fools, the system provides free money and food? Beware of "help" and make sure you know how the person using it defines the word. Or, you may be used!

"I'll Support You"

Last Thursday, at a local Rotary meeting, my friend, Rich Delaney, presented a brief program with his coauthor, Christine Becicka. I had emailed him previously to let him know I would "be there to support" him. He told me that no man has ever told him that. Only his female friends mention supporting him in his professional endeavors. Upon greeting him that morning, I assured him he had my emotional commitment, not a financial investment. He was disappointed I did not bring a check made out to him for one thousand dollars! He was sure his male friends would have expected such from a "supporter." Rich is a funny man! His topic that morning was gender differences in communication among CEOs. I bought a copy of their book, You Can't Kill All the Men: Recipes for Business Leaders , 2011.