Avoid "You Need To"--Even if They Do Need To!

"You need to..." stirs the embers in me. I immediately want to yell, "No I do not need to...." I became aware of this expression years back when I was teaching parenting skills with a training group at the Women's Correctional Institute in Topeka, Kansas. The guards led with that expression when they spoke to many of the inmates. "You need to take responsibility. You need to be silent. You need to do what you are told. You need to calm down. You need to--." It seemed to be to be a power-tripping command statement which was condescending to the receiver. It burns me to hear it from anyone in the workplace. Later, I became aware of the expression while watching overwelmed and tired parents in grocery stores. "You need to stop hitting your brother. You need to listen to me. You need to leave that stuff alone. You need to quit running around. You need to--." It seemed to me that the expression was used out of a sense of powerlessness which was an abdication of parental effectiveness. It sparks an angry flame in me to hear a teacher say it to my children. Interesting paradox: a power-tripping command or words of powerlessness--neither description is complimentary or professional. Both scenarios demonstrate a misuse of authority inherent in the expression. My suggestion: avoid using that expression--unless, of course you want to offend or charbroil the receiver!